We’ve been specializing in Couples Therapy since 2003. The most valuable training we’ve done not only guides our couples work but has also been the most impactful for us as a couple. Relational growth doesn’t seem to have an endpoint. We are always evolving and growing and dedicated to living and working from our growth edges. Why work with a specialist?
Specialized Training
How is working with couples different from individual psychotherapy. For one thing, we are not working within the medical model frame of “diagnosis” and “treatment” because being in distress as a couple is not a mental health problem per se. That’s not to say relational distress doesn’t impact each of our mental health. Secondly, couples work requires the practitioner to be actively engaged in teaching and guiding. The modalities we have studied over the past 20 years have a number of common elements; a non-pathologizing stance, acknowledgement of the role of chronic nervous system hyjacking, curiosity about the reactive dance (or attachment tango), the confusion caused by our childhood adaptive parts getting activated and running the show and the importance of learning to navigate the normal rhythm of rupture and repair.
Couples therapists thus have to be skilled at helping people; practice self and co-regulation, increase their curiosity about the unique and yet archetypal “reactive dance” they are often engaged in, connect the dots between present day reactivity and childhood adaptive strategies and do the hard work of embracing ruptures as opportunities to practice the art of repair. This last one is often challenging as we frequently feel we’ve “tried” that already. However, few of us as children had powerful adult role models when it comes to repairing relational hurts. So how would we know what decent repair looks like? Learning the art of repair is a process that takes time.
Experience
Our own relationship continues to be the most important “lab” for understanding relational challenges. We don’t see these challenges as “psychological” problems but rather as a challenges to living in full aliveness, even when our reactive “parts” or “adaptive” children get activated.
Since couples therapy has been the focus of our work for so long, we are comfortable with and routinely help people who are struggling with:
- affairs & addictions
- parenting challenges
- sexuality and intimacy
- blended family challenges,
- infertility & adoption
- health & financial challenges
- loneliness and general loss of connection.
Session Length
The marital research is clear that 75 minute sessions are the absolute minimum session length to achieve effective results, particularly when we are in distress as a couple. After working for many years within the 50-minute insurance window, we currently only see couples for 90 minute -2 hours (self-pay). As specialists, we find this to be an optimal block of time within which deep work can effectively. At times it’s very helpful to work for a few hours, take a break and spend a few more hours together. This may initially sound crazy exhausting but our perception of time shifts when we enter the zone together of curiosity and deep work.
