We are all wired from birth to thrive when our needs for safety, nurturance and connection are met. When we fall in love we seem to “magically” meet each these needs for each other. But when the magic wears off and we realize the partner is now the one who wounds, rather than the person who has their back we can feel disillusioned and betrayed. We then typically live with chronic nonproductive conflict or what Gottman calls “distance and isolation”. Can this be repaired?
Yes. As couples specialists, we routinely witness couples getting back into connection. We know that your relationship is an “attachment” relationship and we will guide you to discover that your attachment bond is still there, it’s just been obscured.
It’s the bond between you, your “connection” that needs help. There are no bad or wrong people; just two people who are hurt, confused and usually feeling fear and despair that it will even be possible to get back into connection.
Our couples sessions are highly structured and designed from the start for you to feel immediate relief as well as renewed hope that it will indeed be possible to restore your connection.
We actively guide you to create the safety that inspires openness, vulnerability and ownership as well as deep listening and being respectfully and fully present with each other.
As your guides on a transformational journey of healing, we are fully engaged in the process, not simply passively observing. We are skilled & confident and yet open and flexible. We listen carefully and can also be directive, guiding and intervene when necessary.
Our focus is on helping you viscerally understand what each of you needs during repetitive & difficult interactions rather than getting involved as an “expert” in brokering, mediating or advising you on the content of your unique situation. So, it’s not about problem solving.
It’s about showing up differently with each other. We routinely see that couples can learn to have difficult and vulnerable conversations once they learn how to have these conversations in a way that honors each other’s vulnerable parts.
Rupture and repair are a natural part of being in a long term committed relationship. And, it’s actually possible to transform the reactivity of the survival dance into opportunities for deeply intimate and connecting encounters. This is what we love to teach.
Repeated ruptures without repair either lead to chronic conflict or parallel lives. We frequently witness dedicated and determined couples master the rhythm of rupture and repair with increasing grace and finesse. And as they do, they create a resilient and powerful bond that will serve them when they need it most.
