We live in a culture that tells us romantic love just “happens.” We see it in movies and hear it in love songs—the idea that love is effortless, a magical spark that takes care of itself. But the truth is, love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a choice you make every day. It’s a commitment to show up, to learn, to grow, and to nurture the bond between you and your partner.
Choosing love is an active process. It means resisting the downward pull of old habits, pain, and disconnection, and instead claiming the upward trend—toward growth, intimacy, and joy. It’s a journey of gratitude, repair, and living in alignment with your deepest values and shared dreams.
ea lights in the shape of a heart on wood background
Claim the Upward Trend
Every day, in big and small moments, we are faced with a choice: will we lean into love, or will we slip back into familiar patterns that keep us stuck? Sometimes it feels like these patterns have a grip on us—our emotions hijack us, and before we know it, we’re reacting in ways that create more distance than connection. Other times, it’s subtler—a quiet drift away from the things that matter most.
The good news is, we’re not powerless. As Rick Hanson reminds us, the brain has a built-in negativity bias—it clings to the bad like Velcro and lets the good slide off like Teflon. But we can train ourselves to notice and nurture the positive, to anchor ourselves in the moments that uplift and sustain us. Choosing love means making this effort, even when it feels hard.
Express Gratitude and Positivity
Love thrives in an atmosphere of appreciation. Research shows that in stable relationships, positive interactions outweigh negative ones by five to one. It’s not about pretending everything is perfect or avoiding conflict—it’s about creating a foundation of goodwill that helps you weather the inevitable storms.
When you take the time to notice and express gratitude to your partner, it shifts the energy between you. Whether it’s a heartfelt “thank you” for something small or a genuine acknowledgment of their presence in your life, these moments of appreciation are like deposits in the emotional bank account of your relationship.
Embrace Disconnection as an Opportunity for Intimacy
Every couple experiences moments of disconnection—times when you feel misunderstood, hurt, or distant from each other. While it’s tempting to avoid these moments or let them fester, they’re actually opportunities to deepen your connection.
Repairing a rupture takes courage and vulnerability. It means slowing down, being curious about what’s happening under the surface, and approaching your partner with calm and an open heart. When you take the time to repair, you’re not just fixing a problem—you’re building trust and intimacy. It’s a powerful way to say, “You matter to me, and so does our relationship.”
A breathtaking view of the rocky Maine coastline in Acadia National Park, Maine in a cloudy morning
Reclaim Play and Rest
In our fast-paced, always-on world, it’s easy to lose sight of the simple joys that bring us closer together. Technology, work, and endless to-do lists can take over, leaving little room for play, rest, and connection.
Choosing love means carving out time to simply be with each other. Go for a walk, dance in the kitchen, laugh at a silly movie, or share a quiet moment watching the sunset. Rediscover the things that bring you joy, and make time for them—not someday, but now. Life is too short to put joy on hold.
Cooperate with Your Brain’s Capacity to Change
The human brain is an incredible thing. It’s more flexible and capable of change than we ever imagined, but change doesn’t happen by accident. It takes intention, practice, and patience.
When you and your partner decide to respond differently in moments of conflict or stress, you’re literally rewiring your brains to create new patterns of connection. Start small: set an intention, try something new, notice the difference, and celebrate even the tiniest victories. Each step forward strengthens your ability to choose love in the moments that matter most.
Accept That Relationships Take Work
There’s a myth that once you find the right person, everything will be easy. But the truth is, relationships require effort. They’re the place where old wounds often resurface, where our deepest vulnerabilities are laid bare.
Rather than seeing this as a problem, we can embrace it as an opportunity. When you understand your partner’s tender spots—their unmet needs, their fears, their hopes—you have the chance to be part of their healing. And when they do the same for you, the relationship becomes a safe haven where both of you can grow.
Stop Trying to Solve Your Perpetual Problems
Every couple has differences that won’t go away—whether it’s about how you handle money, how you spend your weekends, or your cleaning habits. These aren’t problems to fix; they’re differences to navigate with curiosity and respect.
Instead of trying to change each other, focus on understanding each other. Engage in conversations that honor both perspectives and look for ways to meet in the middle. The goal isn’t to erase the differences but to build a relationship strong enough to hold them.
Love is a Practice
Love isn’t something you find or fall into—it’s something you create, day by day, choice by choice. It’s about showing up, even when it’s hard. It’s about choosing gratitude over frustration, repair over resentment, joy over distraction.
When you commit to this practice, you create a relationship that is alive with connection, purpose, and possibility. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being willing. And that willingness is what makes all the difference.