Why Waiting to Get Help Can Be Risky for Your Relationship
Why Waiting to Get Help Can Be Risky for Your Relationship
Research from John Gottman shows that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help for relationship problems. That’s six years of unresolved conflicts, missed opportunities for repair, and the potential buildup of resentment. By the time many couples finally reach out for help, one partner may already feel emotionally done—past the point of no return.
Most of us didn’t grow up with role models who demonstrated the skills necessary for navigating ruptures and repairs in long-term relationships. Without these skills, we tend to accumulate unresolved conflicts and moments of disconnection. Over time, this pileup creates a cumulative impact. Eventually, one partner might start feeling like the relationship isn’t worth the effort anymore. In relational life therapy terms, this partner often becomes the disempowered partner—the one who feels unheard, unseen, and unsupported.
The Real Risks to Relationships
What ends relationships is not always what we assume. Many people believe they’d leave immediately if their partner had an affair, for example. But in practice, we’ve seen that even those who feel certain they’d walk away often find themselves confused, conflicted, and still invested in the relationship.
Instead, the ongoing damage often comes from something more subtle yet pervasive: repeated instances of dysregulation—moments when we’re emotionally hijacked and say or do hurtful things to our partner. These moments may not feel significant to the person who said them, especially if they don’t remember them clearly. But for the partner on the receiving end, those words or actions can echo and accumulate, forming a painful narrative about how they’re perceived or valued in the relationship.
Over time, this dynamic can create deep emotional wounds. Hurtful words or actions during dysregulated states might be interpreted by your partner as your true feelings about them, even if that’s not the case. These stories take root, and once they do, repairing the damage requires more than a single apology or acknowledgment.
The Danger of Delayed Repair
One of the biggest risks during those six years of waiting is the piling up of unresolved hurts. Repairing these hurts is not a one-time action; it requires consistent effort and ownership to rebuild trust and connection. When partners feel emotionally burdened by accumulated wounds, they’re less likely to believe in the possibility of change.
The literature also highlights an important pattern: women, in particular, are less likely to reinvest in the relationship once they’ve emotionally disengaged. If your partner is withdrawing or showing signs of emotional distance, it’s crucial to take action before that disengagement becomes permanent.
Take Action Before It’s Too Late
Don’t let unresolved conflicts, emotional withdrawal, or repeated disconnections become the norm. Seeking help sooner rather than later allows you to:
Learn the skills needed to repair hurts and resolve conflicts effectively.
Break the cycle of dysregulation and reactive behaviors.
Reclaim the intimacy, trust, and connection you once had—and still hope to have.
The sooner you address these challenges, the more likely you are to heal and rebuild a thriving relationship. Waiting doesn’t make the problems go away; it simply makes them harder to overcome.
If you’re noticing signs of disconnection in your relationship, don’t wait. Reach out for guidance, learn what it takes to live relationally, and take the first step toward the relationship you dream of.
